Alright, time for another update.  Do people even read xanga any more?  Anyway, I was reading my posts from two years ago and it feels like déjà vu.  I’m moving again soon.  Only this time I’m moving back to the home area.  I really have no idea how I feel about this.  Honestly, it feels like I’m right back where I started from two years ago with not much to show for my time here. 

I’ve decided that peds isn’t for me and I miss working with adults.  I’m disappointed because I always thought I wanted to work with kids and now realize I don’t.  I’m glad I gave it a try though or I would’ve always wondered about it and regretted not trying.  The kids can be fun and cute but that’s not why I wanted to be a nurse.  I miss the complexity of working with adults (I’m sure I’ll regret saying this shortly once I have a few pts crash on me!).   I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my skills and that I’m not being challenged any more.  I only have 6 nights left at Riley- crazy!  I was able to get a job at Methodist on the same floor that I worked on before.  The only bad thing is I’ll be on nights so I won’t get to work with all the people I worked with before which stinks.  And I really, really miss the dayshift routine.  I’m just completely run down from working nights.  I’m on the waiting list for days but there’s still 2-3 people ahead of me.  I know a lot has changed since I left so I’m worried about adjusting to it again and things not being like I remember.  I’m scared people are going to expect me to pick up right where I left off but I’ve forgotten a lot.  Even more than that, I expect myself to pick up right where I left off and I know it’s not realistic.  What if I end up not liking it any more?  Everyone that I used to work with thinks I’m crazy for wanting to go back.  Time will tell I guess.  I’m just lucky I got a job- they’re not hiring many people right now.  I think the only reason I got it is because they know who I am and I’m not a new grad.

I’m excited about the apartment I got.  They started building them a few years ago and the building I’m in is brand new- I’ll be the first one living in my apartment!  All the apartments have a lake view and the apartment is bigger than what I have now.  The only bad thing is they haven’t built a pool or fitness center yet (who knows when they will).  I know I won’t have the motivation to pay to go somewhere to exercise and where am I supposed to layout in the summer?  The apartments are in the nice newer area of Peoria so no more going to the scary Walmart or Kroger any more!  It is definitely going to be so nice being close to my family again.  We’ll be able to just go out for supper sometime instead of having to plan our weekends home months in advance to request time off.  It has been a lot harder being away from them than I expected. 

I just hope people don’t think “she couldn’t make it on her own so she’s going back home.”  I guess that’s kind of how I see myself though.  I just wish I had something to show for myself.  Coming out to Indy I had so many hopes of what things would be like and pretty much none of it happened.  I don’t know what to expect or even hope for with moving back.  I just hope I’m making the right choice because I don’t feel certain that I am.  What if I stayed just a little bit longer and things worked out?  I know I can’t keep waiting for the “just in case” forever though.  I need something to be different.  I’m dreading having to start all over with the moving process- learning where things are, getting everything set up, trying to find a church, trying to meet people, etc.  It seems like I’ve barely gotten settled in here yet!  It just feels like I tried so hard when I came here but did it do any good?  Will things really be any better than they were last time?

Well I guess that’s pretty much all for now.  It’s going to be a busy next few weeks!  In three weeks Sophie and I will be on our way back to IL!

I’m going to try to make this a quick update so hopefully I can get it done before I crash for the night!  It seems like things have been a little slower since coming back from spending Christmas at home which is nice.  I was doing something every weekend (working or gone) from like Oct until Jan.  I have a feeling they’re going to speed back up again soon though because I have plans for almost every weekend for the next couple months.  It’s crazy how time flies!  Anyway, I had a good Christmas/ New Year’s at home with my family.  I had almost a week off which was really nice.  We celebrated both Christmas and had an early New Year's Eve celebration.  While I was home, I got to see some high school friends- I hadn’t seen some of them since before I moved.  I also met up with a couple people I used to work with and I visited my old floor.  It felt so weird to be back there.  It didn’t feel like what I expected it to but yet I don’t really know what I expected.  It was right after Christmas though so the manager and CNS weren’t there which was kind of disappointing.

Before Christmas, I went out to PA for Jana’s wedding which was a lot of fun.  The wedding turned out nice (except for the fact that my bridesmaid dress was way too small since the alterations lady took it in too far).  It was fun getting to spend the time with my sister too.  She brought her cat along and Addie and Sophie hung out at my apartment together while we were gone.  Luckily, the Christmas tree was still standing when we got back.  While I was out there, I also got to see my grandparents and one of my aunts which was really nice.  I also got to see Erin a few months ago and then Ashley and Melissa were here this weekend for a visit. 

It’s getting so annoying at work- they switched to computerized charting (yes I know this hospital is a bit behind) and the system is horrible.  It’s one they made up on their own.  It is sooo slow.  Ever since it started, I rarely get out on time.  I even had to stay 3.5 hrs late one day just to catch up on charting.  I used to get out on time almost every morning but now I’m doing good if I’m off by 8:30.  And to make it worse, you have to pay for parking if you’re there after 9 unless you get a parking pass but there isn’t always someone to give you one. 

I found out that I’ll be able to have a dayshift position once the move to the new building starts.  It’s really scary but I’m also really ready for a more normal schedule.  Honestly, it’s kind of nice to not be responsible for the stuff that can only be done during the day.  And I’m not looking forward to having to do all the feeding, bathing, etc for the pts that gets done during the day.  There’s good and bad both ways I guess.  The process starts the end of April when we’ll start working with our new coworkers and the pt populations that the new floors will have.  We won’t actually move to the new building until the summer sometime though.  It’s really confusing.  So somewhere in there I would switch to days but just not sure when yet.  Who knows if I’ll even be around for that though.  I figure that if I’m leaving, I want to be gone before all these changes start.  So that pretty much means I have 3 months to do whatever I decide I want to end up doing.  Terrifying!!!

I think that’s about it for now.  I can't think of much else and I’m getting tired so I better wrap it up before I fall asleep at the computer.

I suppose it’s time for another entry on here.  It seems like I’ve been extra busy lately.  I had no free weekends in Oct and I have none in Nov or Dec!  I’m either gone or working all of them.  I really enjoy having stuff to do but then I feel like I can never get any of my “to do” stuff done.  It’s been fun seeing some college friends again though and seeing my family.  I got to see Karen and it was great catching up since I hadn’t seen her in a while.  We really pampered ourselves- pedicures, massages, movies, going on a hike, eating out, and talking.  I also saw Amber last weekend and relaxed at her place.  It’s great that we live close enough we can see each other every few months.  My mom is coming out for a visit next weekend so I’m looking forward to that.  I’ve been called off for the first 4 hours of work tonight so maybe I can get this entry written.  I don’t know yet if I have to go in at 11 or not.  It would be really nice having it off since tonight’s the time change which would mean an extra hour at work.  We just had to choose the new floors we want to work on when the hospital moves to its new building next summer.  My current floor was allowed to choose between the pulmonary unit and a neuro/ renal/ general peds one.  I don’t like neuro so I chose pulmonary although I like everything else about the other floor.  I feel like I should try something new to “broaden my experiences” because I’ve always worked with respiratory but I don’t know what other area I would work in.  Honestly, neither floor was very appealing.  It stinks because I like the people I work with on nights now and we’ll pretty much be divided in half in the new hospital.  I decided I might as well try for a days position because it’d probably be about the best time to switch since I’ll no longer be working with all the same people no matter what.  I had to apply for it and haven’t heard yet if I got dayshift.  It probably depends on how many people with more seniority than me want it and I’m still low on the totem pole so who knows.  I don’t even know if I’ll still be there for the move or not. 

I wish I could decide what I want to do with my life but I don’t feel I’m any closer to making a decision.  And I have to be deciding soon.  I just wish someone could tell me what to do.  Why do I have such a hard time making decisions?  I just keep spinning my wheels and getting no where.  I think I’m scared to let go of the hope of what I thought would be and that things haven’t met my expectations.  I’m disappointed that I don’t love peds, that I haven’t found where I belong here in Indy, that I haven’t made amazing connections with people, and found a true reason to stay.  I feel like I’ve failed myself.  I keep thinking “maybe if I try just a little bit harder things might work out.”  I think I know that’s probably not true though.  So do I just give up or keep trying?  I’m scared I’ll just be disappointed again if I move back to the home area and hope things will work out there this time.  But the truth is I miss my family, I miss home, I miss the familiarity, I miss my old job.  I’d be so scared to go back though- what will I think, what will others think, could I manage working with adults and their complexities any more?  I dread the thought of trying to start all over again.  When will I ever find “my place?”  It seems I have so many questions and no answers.

Well, I just found out I have to go in at 11 and float to the freaking infant unit…I really hate this job sometimes (more so lately it seems).  I’ve been floating an average of once a week lately (all to the infant unit which is one of the units I dislike the most) and of course we don’t get paid more for it.  I absolutely hate going in at 11, it’d be so much better to go in for the whole 12 and it’s even worse with the time change tonight.  So much for getting anything else done tonight.  Guess that’ll have to be the end of this post for now.  I probably won't write again until next year!

I just got back last week from vacation with my family and it was such a fun time.  It was great being together for so long and to get to travel since my family didn’t go on vacation last summer.  We went to the Outer Banks which are a string of islands off the coast of North Carolina.  There we rented a condo on the beach for a week.  It was a brand new condo that just opened this summer and was really nice with two bedrooms and bathrooms, a kitchen, and living room.  We also had a great view of the beach from the balcony and there was a boardwalk straight out to the beach.  It was great being able to leave the windows open to hear the ocean while the air conditioning was on since we weren’t paying for it.  It was really fun when we went parasailing.  You could see the coast on one side and the islands on the other.  And we got “baptized” in the water on our way down.  It was one of my favorite activities on vacation.  We also went kayaking in little marshy waterways and rode on segways (motorized scooter type of things).  We saw the entire length of the islands- at the south end you even had to take a ferry between two parts of it because there’s no bridge connecting the two islands.  It was also neat seeing a family of wild Spanish Mustang horses on the beach toward the north while we were on a tour driving on the beach, which is the only road up that direction!  We saw some lighthouses, monuments/ museums for flying since this is where the first flight took place (it was neat to see the markers of how far the first plane flew and compare it to what planes can do now), and saw an outdoor play about the first settlers that come over and then disappeared.  There’s a national sand dune park there with the largest sand dunes on the east coast and we watched the sunset from it one night after climbing them.  I also managed to get up early enough to watch the sunrise a couple of times (not sure how I managed that)!  One night, we noticed a bunch of people out walking on the beach with flash lights so we went to see what they were looking at and there were all kinds of sand crabs running around.  Of course we also had several days to just relax on the beach and jump in the waves.  The weather was great the whole time (it only rained maybe twice and one of the times it stormed at night which was neat to see over the ocean) and there were no hurricanes!  On the way back, we spent the night in Virginia before the plane left and me, mom, and Adriane relaxed in the hotel room, watched tv, and ordered pizza while dad went to see one of his friends that lives in the area.  It was a much needed break to get away from life, be with my family, and be able to relax.  It’s always so hard coming back after vacation and facing reality again.  I wish vacations didn’t have to go by so fast after looking forward to them for so long.  My body got used to being on a “normal schedule” so since being back I haven’t been able to sleep during the day before going to work unless I worked the night before which is frustrating.  But it has been nice waking up before 11 ever since being back from vacation (I guess I’m just not sleep deprived enough yet).  Anyway, I had a great time and I’m so glad we all got to go.  I can't wait for the next one whenever that may be!

I just realized that I never wrote about my trip home in July.  I was able to go home for my dad's 60th bday.  There was also a family reunion that weekend so we had a bday cake for him and my uncle there.  Just thought I'd add that in!

Alright, I guess it’s time for another post considering that it’s been over 3 months!  Oops.  I’ve been keeping busy lately it seems.  A month ago, Jana came out and it was great to see her again since it’d been almost a year (minus a few hours when I was in PA in March) since we had seen each other.  She (and Timothy) came to Indy and then we drove to St. Louis to stay at Adriane’s place.  It was a lot of fun- we went to the Arch, zoo, pool, watched movies, ate a ton, and bridesmaid dress shopping.  It was really fun looking for dresses and I found 2 I really like (everyone is going to be in the Christmas red color but gets to choose their own style).  Now I have to have my mom look at them before I buy it to see if she can alter it or not.  Hopefully she can so I don’t have to pay for it.  It was quite interesting driving back to Indy in the storms and flooding after we were delayed by tornado warnings.  I also saw Amber last week.  I love it that we live closer together so we can see each other more.  I went to the zoo with her too and they had these log boats that you rode in to see some of the zoo which was neat.  I got to see the house they’re buying too.  My dad came Memorial Day weekend and we went to the Indy 500.  He said he always wanted to go just to say he’d been there so we went together.  It was fun to watch (which surprised me) and I’m glad I saw it especially since I live right here.  My family also met up in St. Louis for a weekend and went to Six Flags.  It had been so long since I was at an amusement park.  We got the fast passes and were able to go on most the rides in the amusement park and water park in one day.  The passes were fun- legal line jumping.  I did feel kind of bad for everyone in the regular lines but oh well.  I’m going home next weekend and am really looking forward to being there again.  Only one more month until vacation in NC!!

It has been sooo annoying lately.  My living room ceiling is leaking and the apartment people are doing nothing about it.  It first started in March and they came pretty much right away to fix it and got it repainted.  But about a week later it started leaking again.  It’s now also leaking at the top of the sliding door and coming in under it when it’s windy and raining (you can see under the door to the outside even with it closed so that explains why the living room was always freezing in the winter and you could see the blinds blowing from the wind coming under the door).  The ceiling is all stained and the paint is peeling off the wall and ceiling from it.  I’ve had to have my furniture pulled away from the wall, and buckets and towels set out to catch the rain for over a month.  I’ve been calling the apartment office about it pretty much every other day and they always just say they’ll make a note of it and send someone out but nothing ever gets done.  I went in to the office last week and talked to the manager.  She had a maintenance guy come out that day but all he said was he had recently been on the roof for someone else’s leak and thought he fixed it too and he’ll have to get back to me about the door.  Well of course it leaked again the next time it rained.  They got new management a few months ago (of course right after I renewed my lease) and it seems like nothing gets done with them.  I am so frustrated and don’t know what else to do to get it fixed!

I also had to make a trip to the doctor’s a couple weeks ago.  I have a bad habit of cutting my cuticles and nails too short.  Well, I really did it this time.  I cut my thumb too deep and thought it was infected because it got red, sore, and had a bump growing where I cut it.  I tried to I&D it but that didn’t help so I ended up having to go the doctor.  It turns out that it wasn’t infected but the skin was trying to heal but didn’t realize my nail was there so the skin just kept growing over the nail which is what the bump was (or something like that).  He put silver nitrate on it to cauterize it and it’s fine now except my nail is stained black.  You’d think I’d learn my lesson but I’ve still been cutting my cuticles.

It was sad.  I recently had to throw out my Christmas cactus that I got from Jessi in college.  The plant was doing really well until I moved.  I guess it never adjusted to Indy and it’s been slowly dying since then.  It didn’t even bloom this winter, poor plant.  It got to the point where all the leaves fell off so I gave in and threw it out.

Sophie recently had her first birthday!  I can’t believe she’s already a year old!  I thought she was beginning to outgrow her “kitten-ness” because she was starting to leave all my fake plants and decorations alone.  Of course, as soon as I said that she started going after them again.  She really knows how to destroy furniture and decorations.

I now have a new manager at work.  I miss the old one who was a lot like my manager at Methodist.  The new one is the type of person who follows the rules exactly and really is not approachable.  I haven’t had any issues with her yet (although other people have) but I’m just worried about how evals will be and if I ever need her to be a reference.  I think we’re also soon going to have to pick our floors for the new inpatient tower.  They’re still hoping to move next May but I don’t see how it’ll be ready.  My floor now gets mainly respiratory, neuro, and developmental pts and these are all going to be split up in the new building.  I like the variety but there won’t be as much in the new building.  I think I’d choose respiratory since I’ve always worked with that and like it, I definitely don’t like neuro.  The only bad thing will be that there’d now be a lot more trachs on that floor since it’ll be all respiratory.  We don’t know yet how the transfer will work- if all the staff from my floor will transfer together or if we’ll be split up and go with the type of pts we like.  I want to pick the floor I like but I also don’t want to be thrown into a whole new group of coworkers and new manager.  It’s pretty much like starting a new job.  It’d be a perfect time to leave if I decide I don’t want to stay with peds but I still have no idea what I want to do.

Well, I think that’s enough of a post for this time.  Time to go get some other stuff done.